Anyone that knows me knows that I am a pretty black-and-white person. I like schedules and routines. I don’t like change. And I really don’t like unpredictability. So it really surprised me when I found myself becoming a mom who embraced aspects of attachment parenting, on-demand breastfeeding, and a baby-led schedule.
I used to think that attachment parenting was a bit much. And I don’t follow every part of the parenting philosophy, but I do agree with some key components of it. First of all, we tried to promote attachment immediately after birth. We did skin-to-skin for at least an hour after Gerrit was born. Breastfeeding was done skin-to-skin while we were in the hospital too. Secondly, I completely agree with responding immediately to my baby’s cries. Most experts agree that you shouldn’t let a newborn cry it out anyway, but I don’t plan to let Gerrit cry extensively past the newborn stage either. I feel pretty strongly that crying is a baby’s way of communicating, and it shouldn’t be ignored. Hearing Gerrit crying without being tended to breaks my heart. Third, we keep Gerrit near us when he’s sleeping. We don’t keep him in bed with us, but we do have him in a bassinet in our bedroom.
It was hard in the beginning: I woke up to EVERY little sound Gerrit made! But now I sleep through his little grunts and groans… but immediately wake up when he really starts to stir. Andrew wants to move Gerrit into his own room after our move (he’ll be between 4-5 months then), so we’ll see if I can handle that! I also keep Gerrit in the living room when he naps during the day or I hold him while he naps. There are plenty of people who would tell me I’m spoiling him, but I have read so many things discussing the “4th trimester” that babies have and how much they need and thrive on human contact during that time. So I’m never far away from him!
I also breastfeed on demand. I’ve heard of other people putting their babies on feeding schedules, but it just doesn’t seem natural to me. I know… me… who LOVES schedules! I don’t know if I would have felt so strongly about feeding on demand had we not needed to push feedings in the early days, but it kind of instilled this need to feed.
I was having to wake Gerrit for feedings regularly, but it paid off! He was above his birth weight at his 2 week check-up and up over another 2 lbs at 1 month. I wasn’t worried about weight gain anymore! But then I feel like we moved into some serious growth spurts, and there was no way to follow a schedule. I did note when Gerrit eats and for how long, mostly to help me keep track of which breast to feed on. I was feeding off of one breast at a time to deal with my overproduction, but it seems like my supply may have finally (at 9 weeks) regulated. Gerrit still is completely satisfied off of one breast though. Breastfeeding on demand means Gerrit and I are essentially attached at the hip all day and night. I’m never away from him for more than 2 hours, and sometimes that ends up being too long for him! But breastfeeding on demand means Gerrit gets exactly how much milk that he needs and that he is regulating my supply.
I think the attachment parenting and breastfeeding on demand pretty much means that we are on a baby-led schedule! I don’t enforce a feeding schedule or a sleeping schedule. I wanted to see if Gerrit would develop his own schedule, and he pretty much has when he’s not in the middle of a growth spurt. I don’t see any reason to try to mess with what Gerrit’s body wants to do. It would probably be different if I had to go back to work or something, but being at home means my schedule can stay really flexible. That being said, I would like to try to get a loose schedule established once we get back to the States. By then, he will be 3 months old, and I’m curious to see how he will respond to a little more structure.
With all that being said, I question my decisions once in awhile. And I’m sure I’ll tweak my parenting approach once in awhile, especially if it seems like Gerrit needs a change. For right now, this is what is working for us!
Merry Christmas to everyone! Gerrit turned 2 months two days after his first Christmas.
Look at that serious face! I can’t wait until he can smile for the camera! 🙂
Age:Â 2 months on 27 December 2014 Weight: 13 lbs 10 oz Height: 23.23″ Teeth: none Clothing Size: 0-3 month & 3 month
Diaper Size: size 1, but probably not for much longer Milestones: Sleeping “through the night” (a 5 hour stretch) at 7 weeks, a couple of little smiles, and more head control
Sleeping: At 6 weeks, Gerrit usually had two 3-hour stretches of sleep at night plus a slightly shorter one (2 or 2-1/2 hours). He tended to take a long nap in the morning (2-3 hours) and another one in the late afternoon (3 hours). Besides that he took several catnaps that ranged from 15 minutes to an hour. According to a chart I found online, he was supposed to be getting 14-18 hours of sleep a day, and I think he was on the low end of that, although it’s hard to keep track of all those short little naps! But by the end of that week, he was only taking catnaps… and sleeping barely 2 hours at a time at night. Ugh, Andrew and I were tired and frustrated. All 3 of us ended up sleeping well into the daytime hours to try to make up for the lack of sleep at night. But then in the early morning hours the day he turned 7 weeks, he slept 5 WHOLE HOURS STRAIGHT! I was so excited, I almost woke Andrew up to tell him (which I quickly realized would defeat the whole thing). And then we went back to waking every couple of hours again. Oh well. By the time he turned 2 months, he was going to sleep around 11 or 12pm and sleeping about 4 hours at a time with 2 more nights with 5+ hours.
Eating: Gerrit is getting more efficient at eating! He still sometimes struggles with my strong letdown of milk (choking and sputtering), but it’s getting better. I often try nursing leaning back (almost laying down on my back) to help with the strong flow, and it really helps a lot! He also is better with burping. During his first month, I would try and try to burp him, and nothing would come out. Then he would cry and cry because of gas from the other end! He still gets really upset when he has lower gas, but it’s getting better. During that I-don’t-want-to-sleep phase at the end of 6 weeks, Gerrit was only eating a few minutes a time and being very fussy. I wasn’t that worried that he wasn’t getting enough to eat (still had plenty of poopy diapers), but my poor boobs were getting so full!
The weekend that he turned 2 months, my milk seemed to finally regulate. I wasn’t nearly as full, and Gerrit was having good 15-20 minute long feedings. It seemed like he was finally not being so overwhelmed by an overabundance of milk and could take his time to eat.
Gerrit hasn’t had a bottle for the whole 2nd month, mostly because we haven’t needed to use one. I’m not sure how I feel about using bottles right now. I love not having to pump, not having to wash bottle parts, and knowing that Gerrit is controlling my milk supply. But I do worry that I’ll want to have someone else feed him at some point, and he won’t want to take a bottle.
Mommy Update: My weight has pretty much leveled out at 15 lbs under my pre-pregnancy weight. I’m not on any diet or exercise routine, but I’m hoping that when our stroller comes we can start getting out for some walks… and later jogs! It’s one thing to have lost weight, but I’m not thrilled with how flubby my belly is. Yeah, I may have just made that word up. I’m hoping to tone my “soft parts” eventually, but it’s not high on my priority list right now.
My mood has been good for the most part! I do feel a little down when I’m sleep-deprived, but I just remind myself that it won’t be like this forever. I also seem to be a little depressed at the end of the week. I think it just wears on me to be stuck at home day after day doing the same things. I always worried about making it though the newborn phase, since I don’t consider myself a “baby person.” I feel bad saying that I don’t enjoy every moment of motherhood so far, but I think I’ll feel happier when Gerrit is more interactive.
The week before Gerrit turned 2 months was probably my best week yet. I felt a lot more “in tune” with him and was really enjoying just snuggling with him more than I had in the past. I don’t know if I was more relaxed (and not stressing about housework) or if I was just less depressed. It was wonderful though!
Best Moments: Seeing Gerrit become more alert! He usually has an alert period in the morning. He and I will hang out in the guest room (we still have the air mattress set up from my mom’s visit) during this time so Andrew can sleep. Gerrit will lay on the mattress and just stare out the window. He loves it!
Some morning cuddles with MommyJust staring out the window & enjoying the few daylight hours we have!
Gerrit also enjoys his play mat when he’s in the right mood. He doesn’t intentionally hit or reach for the toys yet.
I forget to do tummy time as often as I’d like to do it, but part of that is because of all of Gerrit’s short little naps! He’s not a big fan of tummy time either. He will tolerate it for a few minutes, but then he starts to get frustrated and fussy.
Gerrit also celebrated his first Christmas! I’m really glad he won’t remember this Christmas, because it was very low-key. I usually do quite a bit to celebrate my favorite holiday, but with a newborn and a very big move coming up, Andrew talked me into keeping things simple. I am already excited to do things big next year to make up for it! Opening presents Christmas morning:
After dinner at our friends’ house:
I can definitely say that Gerrit’s 2nd month was much better than his 1st month (for both of us)! I’m excited to see what Month 3 and the new year bring!
This is going to be a brutally honest post. I can honestly say that I never knew how challenging being a new mom was going to be. It is TOUGH. I started feeling what they call “baby blues” in the hospital. I know some of it was normal, but I think some of it was exacerbated by the stress we were feeling. We had issue after issue after Gerrit was born, and it just was not how I thought it was going to be. Almost all of the issues stem from the fact that our little Gerrit was almost a preterm baby.
1. Jaundice
Gerrit had elevated bilirubin levels that required phototherapy. He would lay on the light blanket and also have lights shining down on him. He hated the lights in the bassinet, because he was most content being swaddled, and he was constantly trying to pull the mask off of his face. This resulted in him screaming. A lot. The nurses suggested a pacifier, which we didn’t want to use, because we were already afraid he was having difficulty breastfeeding. We ended up using bottles at home for a bit, so now I feel silly for resisting the use of the pacifier, although we still haven’t introduced one to him.
Andrew ended up telling the nurses that he was going to hold Gerrit under the lights instead of leaving him in the bassinet. It was the only way we could keep him calm enough to sleep. Andrew was the one who held Gerrit the most (under the lights) so I could rest. Then he would rest while I nursed. I took a few shifts holding him as well, and it was so hard to stay awake! We were both very tired for the 5 days we stayed in the hospital using the bilirubin lights. And the exhaustion just makes the symptoms of the baby blues so much worse.
2. Weight Loss
This actually goes with the jaundice. Jaundice makes babies sleepy, which makes them not want to wake up to eat. It’s normal for newborns to lose some of their birth weight, but Gerrit was getting close to losing 10% of his birth weight, so I was encouraged to pump and supplement. Andrew would feed Gerrit my breast milk through a syringe and a tube on his finger. This kind of pushed us back with latching for breastfeeding, since having a syringe pushing milk was much easier than sucking on a breast. They also wanted us to supplement because the bilirubin gets pushed out of the system through poop. The more he eats, the more he poops, the quicker he gets the bilirubin out. It really upset me that Gerrit wasn’t latching and feeding off of me. I felt like he was bonding with Andrew more than me. All I was doing was pumping out milk; Andrew was feeding him. He was doing “my job.” I was in tears about it a lot, and I had a lot of anxiety about feeding.
3. Breastfeeding
Oh, breastfeeding. What I thought would come naturally has proven to be quite challenging. I was told that part of it was because Gerrit was small: he had trouble getting a good latch with his little mouth and I was producing more milk than Gerrit could take in. Basically my boobs were too big and full of milk for him! I often had to pump just to soften my breasts enough for Gerrit to try to latch on. I had anxiety about breastfeeding: I was trying to breastfeed, but we were supplementing with bottles of breast milk when Gerrit and I just got too frustrated. I would try to get him to nurse for up to an hour sometimes, not realizing how much time had passed. I was able to get him exclusively on the breast by the time he turned 2 weeks old, and he hasn’t had a bottle since then.
I had to wake Gerrit for nearly all of his feedings, and that stressed me out too. Getting him awake, keeping him awake, getting him latched on, keeping him latched on, knowing how long to push him to eat… I looked for advice, and everyone had different suggestions. Some people said that he would wake up when he was hungry; others said I needed to wake him every 2 hours or he wouldn’t gain weight. At night, I was so exhausted that I slept through my alarms sometimes and felt so guilty about it. I was terrified that I wasn’t giving my baby enough food and that I wasn’t being a good mom.
4. Postpartum Depression & Anxiety
Before I go into all this, I should say that I have a history of depression and anxiety. I anticipated having some emotional issues postpartum, but that obviously doesn’t mean I was prepared for it. The happiness I felt in the first 24 hours after Gerrit was born quickly morphed into tears, anxiety, and exhaustion as we started dealing with breastfeeding latching issues and the jaundice (which we continued to deal with about a week after he was born). I started feeling a lot of self-doubt and a complete loss of control. Doctors and nurses suggested different things and I had no idea what to do. A couple of days after Gerrit was born, I had a panic attack in the hospital. I was shaking uncontrollably and my heart was racing. I didn’t know what it was, and it really scared me. I was fearful about leaving the hospital and doing everything “on my own.”
Just before we left the hospital
Thankfully, things at home proved to be better than at the hospital. But the emotional problems continued. I had anxiety about breastfeeding. I was sleeping really poorly at night. Every little sound Gerrit made made me startle. And during the day my anxiety was too high for me to settle down to take a nap. A little after a week at home, I had another anxiety attack (not as bad as the one in the hospital) while Andrew took Gerrit to the doctor for a possible eye infection (we ended up cleaning it with breast milk, and it cleared it right up). Basically, everything seemed overwhelming to me, and I didn’t know how to handle it.
The anxiety/depression also affected my appetite. When I was feeling good, I ate fine. But when the anxiety was high, I couldn’t even think of eating. Andrew was practically forcing me to eat and stay hydrated. There were days that I would eat breakfast in the morning, and when the evening rolled around, I realized I hadn’t eaten since that bowl of cereal. I was so worried that I wasn’t eating enough to produce enough milk… although I definitely had a surplus of it!
Basically, the depression and anxiety combined with my level of exhaustion made me not able to think straight. I had to write down every feeding and diaper change, because I had no concept of time. I was fixated with the clock. I would feel like hours had passed since I had fed Gerrit, when it ended up only being 30 minutes. It was a bizarre feeling. I feel like I had no common sense either. Andrew was constantly having to remind me that things were just fine. That Gerrit was eating regularly. That he was sleeping well. That we were doing exactly what we needed to do as parents. But I just couldn’t believe that it was true. In my moments of clarity, I realized that I was being ridiculous.
During my third week postpartum, I had Andrew call the hospital for me to go in to be evaluated for postpartum depression. I was sobbing too hard to make the call myself. They had me come in the next day. The doctor I saw increased the antidepressant that I was on, and I noticed a difference pretty quickly. I finally started to feel normal again. You don’t appreciate how great “normal” feels until you feel completely out of control. And feeling normal meant that I could focus on caring for our sweet boy. Besides the medication, the thing that helped me the most was my friends. I didn’t hesitate to let my friends know how I was feeling, and they were amazing. So many of them assured me that how I was feeling was normal and shared how they felt postpartum. Some of them also suffered from postpartum depression, which helped me feel less alone. My friends here in England reached out to me: coming to visit, inviting us out, and bringing meals. I am so glad I have so many wonderful people in my life!
It’s important to me to share my story, because I know that a lot of women suffer from the baby blues after they give birth. But there are also a good number of us who deal with symptoms that are more severe and last longer. And I think it’s important that people realize that they are definitely not alone. There is support out there in the form of doctors, family, friends, and support groups. And it DOES get better! I’m sure that I will still have rough days, but I also know that I have a strong support network of people to depend on to help me pull through.
It was hard in the beginning: I woke up to EVERY little sound Gerrit made! But now I sleep through his little grunts and groans… but immediately wake up when he really starts to stir. Andrew wants to move Gerrit into his own room after our move (he’ll be between 4-5 months then), so we’ll see if I can handle that! I also keep Gerrit in the living room when he naps during the day or I hold him while he naps. There are plenty of people who would tell me I’m spoiling him, but I have read so many things discussing the “4th trimester” that babies have and how much they need and thrive on human contact during that time. So I’m never far away from him!
I was having to wake Gerrit for feedings regularly, but it paid off! He was above his birth weight at his 2 week check-up and up over another 2 lbs at 1 month. I wasn’t worried about weight gain anymore! But then I feel like we moved into some serious growth spurts, and there was no way to follow a schedule. I did note when Gerrit eats and for how long, mostly to help me keep track of which breast to feed on. I was feeding off of one breast at a time to deal with my overproduction, but it seems like my supply may have finally (at 9 weeks) regulated. Gerrit still is completely satisfied off of one breast though. Breastfeeding on demand means Gerrit and I are essentially attached at the hip all day and night. I’m never away from him for more than 2 hours, and sometimes that ends up being too long for him! But breastfeeding on demand means Gerrit gets exactly how much milk that he needs and that he is regulating my supply.
On An Even Kiel 