With a little extra free time being in TLF right now, I’ve been going through some old drafts that didn’t get published when I started working on them! Here’s one that I started in early December:

Well, we’re done. After over three years of breastfeeding, I have packed up my nursing tops for the time being. As much as I kept wanting Gerrit to self-wean, the end was bittersweet.

I’m not going to recap our nursing journey too much, except to say that we had a rough start, Gerrit was never predictable and never followed any type of schedule, and after all that he surprised me by starting to want to nurse all the time a few months before his first birthday. I was pleasantly surprised when he started nursing better, and thought maybe we’d actually make it to two years (the recommendation by WHO).

Well, we definitely made it to two years! I kept hoping that sometime after he turned two, he would start to self-wean. Not a chance haha! I ended up cutting out the majority of his night nursing shortly after his 2nd birthday, but I didn’t push any other weaning until I got pregnant this fall.

I’ll be honest, part of the reason I wanted to get pregnant was to give me a good reason to wean Gerrit. I figured being pregnant would dry up my supply at some point, and I knew I definitely did not want to tandem nurse. Well, it worked! Between my supply drying up and the pain that started accompanying Gerrit’s latch, I knew we needed to wean. Fast.

The most painful nursing session for me was the first of the day. I usually would let Gerrit come to bed with me around 5 or 6 in the morning, and he would nurse/snuggle until he was ready to get up for the day. Sometimes it was 30 minutes, sometimes it was 2 hours. As my first trimester progressed, that long nursing session became increasingly painful. I got to the point where I couldn’t even sleep through it, so it was clear that it had to stop. I can’t remember when exactly I cut this session out, but it was shortly before Gerrit turned 3, so I’ll say mid-October. I told him he could still come to bed and snuggle with me, but no more boo-boo (nursing). He was mad about it, but he had been telling me that there was no more milk left, so he didn’t fight me too much on it. He probably only came to bed with me a couple more days after that to snuggle before he decided he’d rather just stay in his own bed. We had some early mornings for awhile there, but he quickly got used to going straight to eating breakfast in the morning instead of nursing.

The next nursing sessions to go were the daytime ones. These had been decreasing some days anyway, but it seemed like when I cut out that early morning session, it set the tone for the day. Gerrit basically stopped asking to nurse at all during the daytime! It helped that my parents were visiting, since they were a good distraction, but I was really surprised by how easy it was to stop the daytime nursing.

Last to go, and the one I figured would be the hardest, was the bedtime nursing session. I think the thing that helped the most with weaning off of this one was talking about it with Gerrit. We talked about how my milk was going away because he was a big boy now. I really didn’t want to bring the pregnancy into it, because I didn’t think it was a good idea for him to think the baby was “taking away” his milk. I also told him that he had his water cup in case he got thirsty. We would still rock together in the glider before bed, and I would still sing him a bedtime song, because I thought keeping things as similar to what he’s always known was important. It got to the point where Gerrit would nurse for awhile, then stop and tell me, “Hm, no more milk.” Then we’d either keep rocking together or he’d ask me to put him in his bed and just rub his back.

I think I’ll always remember the last time I nursed Gerrit, because it was the day before Thanksgiving. We had friends over for Thanksgiving dinner, so he stayed up a bit later than normal. He was so tired when we finally got him ready for bed! And that was the first night that he didn’t ask to nurse at all. I was so shocked, but I didn’t say a word… just rocked him to sleep. The next night, he did ask to nurse, but I reminded him that he hadn’t nursed the night before, and he just said, “Oh, okay.” And that was that.

Once Gerrit was done nursing, he did still ask for boo-boo once in awhile. I would tell him that my milk was all gone now, and he pretty much just accepted that answer. We gave him some “big brother” books for Christmas, and while reading those he realized that I was going to be breastfeeding his baby brother or sister. So that’s when I told him that I still didn’t have milk, but that when the baby was born, I would make milk just for him/her. He occasionally suggested that they could share: “One boo-boo for the baby, and one for me!” But I told him that the baby would need all the milk to get big and strong so they could play together.

As for me? It’s hard to say how weaning affected me physically. I feel like the symptoms that can come with weaning are also symptoms of pregnancy, so I’m not sure how much they overlapped! I didn’t really have any uncomfortable physical symptoms, since I really had pretty much just dried up. Plus it was very gradual anyway. I had nausea and headaches, but I attributed that to pregnancy without realizing it could also be from weaning. Emotionally it was tough. I definitely went through a depressed phase, although I didn’t really realize it until later. It felt like Gerrit didn’t need me the same way anymore. I felt like I wasn’t as much of a mother as I had been. I didn’t realize what a difference it would make to not nurse my child anymore. I was glad to be done: my breasts and nipples were so sensitive at that point. But I just wanted him to need me that way again. I missed the snuggles. I missed that special bond.

And now it’s 4 months later! I feel like so much has happened in those 4 months: Gerrit potty-trained himself, he started becoming more social, and he is now out of his crib. I feel like he has just grown up so much since turning 3. I have no idea if weaning played a part in all the changes, but it’s been emotional for me to see him leave toddlerhood behind. I’m amazed at the little boy he’s becoming, and the shift I’ve felt had a bigger effect on me than I thought it would.

I always knew I wanted to breastfeed. I never knew how hard it could be. As we left infancy and moved into the toddler stage, we encountered new challenges. I had fewer and fewer friends to talk with about nursing as more and more weaned their little ones. There were days I hated it, and there were days I loved it. All in all, I would definitely say I loved breastfeeding my son. There were so many tears, smiles, hurdles, and snuggles. I will always appreciate being able to nurse Gerrit as long as I did, and I will savor all those sweet memories we made.