After giving birth to Gerrit, I had so many questions and concerns. And the thing I heard the most was: “Trust your mommy instinct.” Every time I heard it, I thought, I don’t have a mommy instinct! And that thought just made me feel like I wasn’t a good mommy at all.
Thankfully, after I got my post-partum depression under control, my Mommy Instinct started shining through a bit more. I still had my doubts though. My gut, or Mommy Instinct, would say one thing, but my head would say another thing. And most of the books I read supported my head!
I think the biggest issue we have been dealing with is Gerrit’s sleeping habits. Once he got past that newborn phase of being able to sleep anytime and anywhere, I wasn’t sure what to do! So we started our bedtime routine. And bedtime wasn’t terrible. But nap times were all over the map. That led me to buying pretty much every book about baby sleep on the market. I pretty much became obsessed with how/where/when Gerrit slept. Andrew tried to tell me this, but, of course, I brushed it off.
Trust me when I say, I have read (or at least read parts of) pretty much every popular sleep book out there. Even when I would agree with some parts of them, other parts would clash against my Mommy Instinct. Various doctors and sleep trainers would write about CIO (crying it out) and getting rid of sleep associations (like nursing to sleep, being rocked to sleep, etc.). Andrew and I completely agreed with each other that we would never use CIO, especially while Gerrit is still an infant. Knowing Gerrit’s personality, it would be an awful battle that would leave all of us in tears. As much as I wished I could just put Gerrit in his bed, walk away, and he would fall asleep independently, deep down I wasn’t ready to stop nursing him to sleep.
The last sleep book I bought was The Baby Sleep Book by Dr. Bill Sears and his family. As soon as I started reading it, I knew I had found what I needed. I knew it was the right book when he pushed the reader not to fight that gut feeling about handling a “sleep issue.” That gut feeling is the biological push to give your child what he/she needs. And suddenly I started looking at our “problems” differently.
Several of the books made me realize that Gerrit is a “high needs” baby. He is not easygoing or calm. And he’s not full of smiles and content to lie on the floor. Gerrit is full of energy, super alert, serious, and amazing in his own way. Dr. Sears basically made me realize that my high needs baby needed his parents more than the average infant. And that means following my Mommy Instinct when it tells me to breastfeed on demand, ignore the books that tell me to put Gerrit on a schedule, and hold my baby while he falls asleep.
I know some people will think I’m spoiling my baby. And a few days ago, I would have felt really self-conscious about that and scoured Amazon looking for another book to help me train my baby. But now I feel more secure in my belief that you CANNOT spoil a baby. Especially a baby as young as Gerrit. You can’t hold a baby too much. You can’t breastfeed a baby too much. And you can’t love and nurture a baby too much. I am not spoiling my baby; I am parenting him. And every bit of my Mommy Instinct tells me this.
Dr. Sears is a big supporter of attachment parenting. I know I wrote about agreeing with this philosophy, but I wasn’t sure if it was going to be right for me. Co-sleeping at night? No thank you. But on those difficult nights with Gerrit when I grudgingly brought him into bed with us, guess who slept peacefully? Gerrit had the most content look on his face and his body was relaxed. And I thought, How could this be a bad thing? I’ll admit, I don’t always sleep that great with Gerrit in bed, but that’s why we always try to start him out in his own bed. I allow myself to bring him to bed with me when I start to feel too tired or frustrated and tell myself that it’s okay. The best thing about it? Andrew supports me. We completely agree that we want to give Gerrit the security that he needs right now.
Will we end up having to break Gerrit of his “bad habits” eventually? Maybe. But the pro-attachment parenting books and websites assure me that we will be able to help Gerrit fall asleep and stay asleep on his own when he is physically and emotionally ready for it. The children who are allowed to gain independence in their own time often end up with better attitudes about sleep, and that’s what I want for Gerrit. I want him to know that he can come to us when he needs us from his earliest memories. And I hope that that secure attachment continues into his childhood and adolescence.
So trust your Mommy Instinct! As soon as I did, I felt a wave of relief spread over me. I know that not everyone will agree with our methods and beliefs, but knowing that I am following my gut gives me the confidence to say, “Yes, this is what we’re doing, and it’s what I think is best for my child.” If you can’t trust your Mommy Instinct, what can you depend on?
On An Even Kiel 