Baby Blues

December 17, 2014December 17, 2014 nk3308 Comments

This is going to be a brutally honest post. I can honestly say that I never knew how challenging being a new mom was going to be. It is TOUGH. I started feeling what they call “baby blues” in the hospital. I know some of it was normal, but I think some of it was exacerbated by the stress we were feeling. We had issue after issue after Gerrit was born, and it just was not how I thought it was going to be. Almost all of the issues stem from the fact that our little Gerrit was almost a preterm baby.

1. Jaundice
Gerrit had elevated bilirubin levels that required phototherapy. He would lay on the light blanket and also have lights shining down on him. He hated the lights in the bassinet, because he was most content being swaddled, and he was constantly trying to pull the mask off of his face. This resulted in him screaming. A lot. The nurses suggested a pacifier, which we didn’t want to use, because we were already afraid he was having difficulty breastfeeding. We ended up using bottles at home for a bit, so now I feel silly for resisting the use of the pacifier, although we still haven’t introduced one to him.

Andrew ended up telling the nurses that he was going to hold Gerrit under the lights instead of leaving him in the bassinet. It was the only way we could keep him calm enough to sleep. Andrew was the one who held Gerrit the most (under the lights) so I could rest. Then he would rest while I nursed. I took a few shifts holding him as well, and it was so hard to stay awake! We were both very tired for the 5 days we stayed in the hospital using the bilirubin lights. And the exhaustion just makes the symptoms of the baby blues so much worse.

2. Weight Loss
This actually goes with the jaundice. Jaundice makes babies sleepy, which makes them not want to wake up to eat. It’s normal for newborns to lose some of their birth weight, but Gerrit was getting close to losing 10% of his birth weight, so I was encouraged to pump and supplement. Andrew would feed Gerrit my breast milk through a syringe and a tube on his finger. This kind of pushed us back with latching for breastfeeding, since having a syringe pushing milk was much easier than sucking on a breast. They also wanted us to supplement because the bilirubin gets pushed out of the system through poop. The more he eats, the more he poops, the quicker he gets the bilirubin out. It really upset me that Gerrit wasn’t latching and feeding off of me. I felt like he was bonding with Andrew more than me. All I was doing was pumping out milk; Andrew was feeding him. He was doing “my job.” I was in tears about it a lot, and I had a lot of anxiety about feeding.

3. Breastfeeding
Oh, breastfeeding. What I thought would come naturally has proven to be quite challenging. I was told that part of it was because Gerrit was small: he had trouble getting a good latch with his little mouth and I was producing more milk than Gerrit could take in. Basically my boobs were too big and full of milk for him! I often had to pump just to soften my breasts enough for Gerrit to try to latch on. I had anxiety about breastfeeding: I was trying to breastfeed, but we were supplementing with bottles of breast milk when Gerrit and I just got too frustrated. I would try to get him to nurse for up to an hour sometimes, not realizing how much time had passed. I was able to get him exclusively on the breast by the time he turned 2 weeks old, and he hasn’t had a bottle since then.

I had to wake Gerrit for nearly all of his feedings, and that stressed me out too. Getting him awake, keeping him awake, getting him latched on, keeping him latched on, knowing how long to push him to eat… I looked for advice, and everyone had different suggestions. Some people said that he would wake up when he was hungry; others said I needed to wake him every 2 hours or he wouldn’t gain weight. At night, I was so exhausted that I slept through my alarms sometimes and felt so guilty about it. I was terrified that I wasn’t giving my baby enough food and that I wasn’t being a good mom.

4. Postpartum Depression & Anxiety
Before I go into all this, I should say that I have a history of depression and anxiety. I anticipated having some emotional issues postpartum, but that obviously doesn’t mean I was prepared for it. The happiness I felt in the first 24 hours after Gerrit was born quickly morphed into tears, anxiety, and exhaustion as we started dealing with breastfeeding latching issues and the jaundice (which we continued to deal with about a week after he was born). I started feeling a lot of self-doubt and a complete loss of control. Doctors and nurses suggested different things and I had no idea what to do. A couple of days after Gerrit was born, I had a panic attack in the hospital. I was shaking uncontrollably and my heart was racing. I didn’t know what it was, and it really scared me. I was fearful about leaving the hospital and doing everything “on my own.”

Thankfully, things at home proved to be better than at the hospital. But the emotional problems continued. I had anxiety about breastfeeding. I was sleeping really poorly at night. Every little sound Gerrit made made me startle. And during the day my anxiety was too high for me to settle down to take a nap. A little after a week at home, I had another anxiety attack (not as bad as the one in the hospital) while Andrew took Gerrit to the doctor for a possible eye infection (we ended up cleaning it with breast milk, and it cleared it right up). Basically, everything seemed overwhelming to me, and I didn’t know how to handle it.

The anxiety/depression also affected my appetite. When I was feeling good, I ate fine. But when the anxiety was high, I couldn’t even think of eating. Andrew was practically forcing me to eat and stay hydrated. There were days that I would eat breakfast in the morning, and when the evening rolled around, I realized I hadn’t eaten since that bowl of cereal. I was so worried that I wasn’t eating enough to produce enough milk… although I definitely had a surplus of it!

Basically, the depression and anxiety combined with my level of exhaustion made me not able to think straight. I had to write down every feeding and diaper change, because I had no concept of time. I was fixated with the clock. I would feel like hours had passed since I had fed Gerrit, when it ended up only being 30 minutes. It was a bizarre feeling. I feel like I had no common sense either. Andrew was constantly having to remind me that things were just fine. That Gerrit was eating regularly. That he was sleeping well. That we were doing exactly what we needed to do as parents. But I just couldn’t believe that it was true. In my moments of clarity, I realized that I was being ridiculous.

During my third week postpartum, I had Andrew call the hospital for me to go in to be evaluated for postpartum depression. I was sobbing too hard to make the call myself. They had me come in the next day. The doctor I saw increased the antidepressant that I was on, and I noticed a difference pretty quickly. I finally started to feel normal again. You don’t appreciate how great “normal” feels until you feel completely out of control. And feeling normal meant that I could focus on caring for our sweet boy. Besides the medication, the thing that helped me the most was my friends. I didn’t hesitate to let my friends know how I was feeling, and they were amazing. So many of them assured me that how I was feeling was normal and shared how they felt postpartum. Some of them also suffered from postpartum depression, which helped me feel less alone. My friends here in England reached out to me: coming to visit, inviting us out, and bringing meals. I am so glad I have so many wonderful people in my life!

It’s important to me to share my story, because I know that a lot of women suffer from the baby blues after they give birth. But there are also a good number of us who deal with symptoms that are more severe and last longer. And I think it’s important that people realize that they are definitely not alone. There is support out there in the form of doctors, family, friends, and support groups. And it DOES get better! I’m sure that I will still have rough days, but I also know that I have a strong support network of people to depend on to help me pull through.

Parenting

Gerrit: One Month

December 12, 2014February 26, 2015 nk3302 Comments

Can you believe our little Gerrit is already one month old?! I’ll be honest, in some ways it went really quickly, but in others it took forever! All those feedings and sleepless nights turn into a blur.

Age: 1 month on 27 November 2014
Weight: 9 lb 5.9oz
Height: just over 21″
Teeth: none
Clothing Size: newborn and some 0-3 month
Diaper Size: newborn… barely
Milestones: He can hold up his head pretty well!

Sleeping: I think we might finally be falling into a sort-of routine. Gerrit likes to take a longer morning nap and a longer nap around 2 or 3 in the afternoon. At night, he usually does at least one stretch of about 3 hours of sleep (4 hours between feeds).

Eating: Eating started out as kind of a chore. With Gerrit’s jaundice and losing 10% of his birth weight, the pressure was on us to push the feedings. We had been feeding Gerrit my breast milk through a tube and a syringe in the hospital, so when we got home, we switched to bottles. I still tried to get him to breastfeed at nearly every feed, and we slowly got him off of the bottles and exclusively on the breast. But we still were having to wake him every 2 hours or so to eat, even at night, which is completely exhausting. It was one thing to get him awake, but then to keep him awake? Plus I had no idea how much he was getting to eat once he was off the bottles, especially with the amount he was spitting up. It stressed me out. But at his 2 week check-up he had gained back what he lost and was up 7 oz from his birth weight. We continued to wake him every 2-3 hours to eat, and when we went back to check his weight a day before his 1 month birthday, he was up to a whopping 9 lbs 5.9 oz! That’s over 1.5 lbs in 2 weeks… I could hardly believe it! So that proved to me that he was definitely eating enough and gaining weight well. We decided to stop waking him up to feed at night, but I still planned to wake him every 3 hours during the day if he didn’t wake on his own.

Mommy Update: Well, losing weight from breastfeeding was definitely true for me. By the time Gerrit turned 1 month I was about 13 lbs under my pre-pregnancy weight. I don’t think it was ALL from breastfeeding. I experienced some postpartum depression & anxiety following Gerrit’s birth (more on that in another post). With the postpartum depression came some major loss of appetite, so I’m sure that contributed. In terms of sleep, I was not getting much of it at the 1 month mark. I really struggled to be able to nap during the day, so I got whatever I could squeeze in at night between feedings. Mood-wise I was slowly starting to come out of the worst of the depression & anxiety at 1 month. Things were slowly starting to come together at this point.

Best Moments: I think our favorite thing that Gerrit does is multiple sneezes followed by an “Ohhh!” sound. It sounds like they really catch him by surprise, and it is SO cute! He loves to sleep on both of us, especially on his tummy on our chests.. He also seems to enjoy bath time. He doesn’t fuss at all, just hangs out and enjoys the warm water while I wash him up.

Gerrit got to meet one of his grandmas in his first month too: my mom! She flew over to visit us a couple of days before Gerrit turned 1 month. It was SO nice to have her here. I had been dealing with some pretty rough postpartum depression & anxiety, and having her here really helped put me more at ease. Especially because that was the week Andrew went back to work.

Gerrit also got to celebrate a holiday on his 1 month birthday: Thanksgiving! It was very low-key, but we enjoyed some good food, including a pumpkin pie.

Do we look sleep deprived? 🙂 Well, except for Gerrit, obviously! It has been quite a month with quite a few challenges but a lot of special moments as well.

Happy 1 month to our sweet baby boy!

Baby Update

Gerrit’s Birth Story

December 11, 2014February 26, 2015 nk3305 Comments

Sorry this took so long… I really underestimated the amount of time that would go into caring for a newborn! And how often my hands would be occupied, haha.

Gerrit’s birth story starts on 26 October. It was the day I hit 37 weeks of pregnancy. I usually take my weekly photo a day or two late, but I decided I needed to make sure I got my photos done on time from 37 weeks on, just in case!

I went to base to run a few errands early in the afternoon and got home around 4pm. I went to the bathroom and noticed that there was some fluid in my underwear. It was too watery to be discharge, but it wasn’t a lot, so I didn’t think it was my water breaking. I mentioned it to Andrew, but he brushed it off. We were having friends over for dinner, so I went to wash dishes and do some other tidying up. I kept feeling the leaking fluid, and was a little concerned about it. When our friends arrived, I told Diane about it (she’s a nurse), and she said I should call the hospital. When I told the nurse at Labor & Delivery what was going on, she said I should pack a bag and come in to get checked out. I was really regretting that I had procrastinated on packing my hospital bag. I was so frazzled about possibly being in labor, that I had no idea what to pack! I can’t even remember what I threw in my bag, but I know it wasn’t much. I think I remembered my glasses and deodorant though. Ben & Diane said they would finish up dinner and clean up, although I said I was sure we would be back in an hour or so.

I was wrong. Luckily, I didn’t leak more fluid in the car, but I sure did at the hospital! When I was examined around 7pm, they said I was only 1 cm dilated. I wasn’t feeling any contractions, so they suggested starting Pitocin. We called our doula, Susan, and she came to talk with us and try to induce labor with pressure points on my feet. We ended up starting a low dose of Pitocin (level 2) around 10pm. Ben brought us some of the dinner they cooked at our house, and I was given permission to eat until midnight, so I scarfed that down. I was hungry! Then it was time to try to sleep. A little difficult when you’re anticipating having a baby, and when nurses come in to check your blood pressure, heart rate, and temperature every couple of hours. Needless to say, I did not sleep well or much.

I woke up around 5 or 6 am with contractions that I could no longer sleep through. Throughout the night, the Pitocin level was bumped up to 10. I was only given clear fluids for breakfast, so I drank as much as I could. When they checked me around 7am, I was dilated to 5 cm which surprised me. I honestly didn’t feel like I was progressing at all! At this point, the baby was at a -3 station, and they increased the Pitocin to 14. Susan arrived mid-morning and took this picture of us when I could still smile:

She also brought lavender essential oil for the room. That, along with keeping the lights dimmed, was to keep things calm and focused. Deep breaths helped through the contractions, which I felt almost entirely in my lower back. They were very painful! The only way I even know I had a contraction coming on was the ache in my back. I think that’s why I couldn’t seem to find a good position to be in. I was on the birthing ball a lot or standing and leaning on Andrew.

Andrew did an amazing job supporting me physically and emotionally. He said having Susan there helped him calm down. It was hard for him to see me in such pain.

Susan was great at suggesting different positions and things to help move the baby into a better position. I remember her suggesting things and me saying, “I don’t know” a lot. I was really out of it for a lot of the labor and nearly falling asleep in between contractions. I was so exhausted! If Andrew hadn’t been next to me while I was on the ball, I would have fallen off a few times; that’s how tired I was. When they checked me at 12:40, I was 7 cm dilated, 90% effaced, but the baby was still at a -3 station. This is also when they broke the fore-bag of water.

I threw up at the transitional phase, making me happy I had only had clear fluids for breakfast! I remember them bringing lunch in (more clear fluids) and being in too much pain to even consider eating anything. The later contractions were intense and very painful.

Susan encouraged me to lift my belly through 10 contractions to help move the baby into position. That really hurt! But when they checked me at 1:26pm, I was 10 cm dilated, 100% effaced, and the baby had moved to either a -1 or 0 position. While on the ball, I started feeling the urge to push. Susan told me to go ahead! I did a little bit of pushing on the ball, but then I got into the bed to try squatting using the bar.

I started pushing around 2pm. I felt like I wasn’t making much progress for awhile. Someone was not ready to come out anymore, haha. And once I was laying down for that check, I wasn’t about to move again. I was tired and in pain, and I couldn’t consider moving. So the rest of the pushing happened with my laying on my side.

I wouldn’t say I was comfortable in this position, but I wasn’t going to be comfortable in any position. All my pushing slowly moved Gerrit down to the birth canal. He was not at the right angle for awhile, although I have no idea how long it took for him to move into the correct position. I had no concept of time during anything that happened once I was in that bed. Eventually, Gerrit was ready to go. The doctor told Andrew to get ready if he wanted to deliver!

The doctor asked if I wanted to feel the baby’s head, and although I hesitated, I did reach down to feel it. It felt so weird! Not at all what I thought it would be like: it felt squishy! I declined to use a mirror to see him come out though. I really had to focus on pushing that head out. I definitely felt the “ring of fire” that they talk about, but it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. When he finally came out, I was so happy… it was such a relief!

I’m so glad that Andrew got to help deliver our baby. He really wanted that experience, and I’m happy nothing unexpected happened that prevented him from being that involved. I was a little surprised when he announced, “It’s a boy!” though. So many people thought we were having a girl, and I was convinced it was going to be a girl as well.

Andrew says I looked euphoric after Gerrit was born. I’m sure I was! The relief after all that pain was wonderful. And it was amazing to see this tiny human on my chest that had been inside me for so many months.

Andrew was absolutely amazing throughout labor and delivery. In those first moments as a family of three, I had never been more in love with Andrew. Seeing those happy tears in his eyes and hearing him get choked up as he announced our baby’s name made my heart feel so full.

From the time that I first felt my water leaking to the time that Gerrit was born was about 24 hours. From the time they started Pitocin, the whole process took about 18 hours.

Gerrit Allen Kiel was born at 4:19pm weighing 6 lb 6.6 oz and measuring 19″ long. He had an Apgar score of 8 at 1 minute and 8 again at 5 minutes. He had blue/gray eyes and blonde hair, and he was absolutely perfect.

Besides needing to use Pitocin to get labor started, I had the labor and delivery that I wanted. I’m so thankful that there were no major complications that would have prevented this, and I’m not sure I could have done it naturally without Susan and Andrew supporting me throughout the process. I’m so glad Susan captured so many moments during my labor and delivery!